After hours and days of contemplating and waiting for that drop of inspiration, I am beginning my - what-do-i-call-it - venting mechanism? diary? Hopefully, I'll have pleasant and funny things to write about too; but for today, it's all about my upset and disturbed soul.
Life poses choices which sometimes have heart-wrenching disadvantages along with very supportive advantages. It becomes extremely difficult to tide over the pain to look at the silver lining and smile.
My situation - I need that little bit of extra time and space to prepare for my career once my child is 2-3 years old and more independent in all respects. No problem here - my mother-in-law is more than happy to spend time with Naina and play almost endlessly with her, sing to her, put her to sleep, etc., etc (household chores and cooking is the fee I have to pay her for this help. Huh!). That is the supportive advantage.
Yesterday, I was rudely jolted out of my complacent confidence in the 'flow of life', when my toddler, down with viral fever, refused to come to me. It wasn't just refusal - she actually cried when I tried to take her from my MIL; cried as if a stranger was trying to take her away! My heart just smashed into a hundred bits and it has taken more than 24 hours to cry away this grief. Even as I write this, I'm smarting from the tight wake-up-slap life gave me. Even now, Naina cries when her Daadi leaves the room; it doesnt matter that I am there trying hard to distract her attention and make her play.
My over-analysing-corporate-tuned brain gave me the RCA amidst the emotional upheavals. My face-time with my child, low as it is, is causing this problem. I end up spending too much time away finishing up with cooking and other chores and then with the German homework. Now, it's apparent that I simply have to work around my household chores and studying, in order to prioritse time with Naina, else I'll have a bigger problem on my hands.
My hitherto perception of the simple 'flow of life' that ensures that children are 'automatically' and 'naturally' drawn towards their mothers when in pain, was shattered. Everything in life, I gather, needs working towards.
2 comments:
ha... Now that's an agonizing state to be in. Glad you're able to write about it, blog space will certainly make you feel better.. RCA Reminds me of our weekly meetings and 'brainstorming' sessions! :-) Looking forward to read more if you're experiences.. Sure you'll come up with some more interesting moments...
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